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John Isa Laptop

Dead Laptop Obituary

John Isa Laptop passed away this morning at the tender age of 24 months. John barely made it out of his warranty period before a tragic accident caused him to fall from the kitchen counter and shatter his screen on the tile floor. Authorities initially investigated the accident on suspicion of homicide charges after initial reports indicated he was pushed off the counter. However, a thorough investigation revealed that a nearby human had simply burnt their hand on the stove, causing a flailing motion of the human’s extremities which tragically caused John to get knocked off his perch on the counter and plummet to his death. His last screenshot was a cooking recipe for his owner. (On a side note, it was a chicken pasta dish that actually turned out quite tasty, the use of cilantro really pulled it together).

While the coroner’s report ruled that the cause of death was accidental, it also unveiled other chilling facts. As it turns out, John’s death was entirely preventable. Breakthroughs in electronic medical care could have allowed John to recover from his injuries and live out a prosperous life in digital peace and harmony. He could have enjoyed his hobbies of surfing, liking, emailing, booting, and writing to disk for many years to come. In short, had John been treated by Computer Repair Doctor, he could have easily survived.

Computer Repair Doctor’s revolutionary treatments include not only lifesaving screen replacements, but also virus infection removals, hard drive transplants, key to key resuscitation, and even reviving patients that have been drowned in water, beer, wine, or even cereal milk. The medical bills for these groundbreaking repair techniques are actually quite affordable and many would argue the costs are trivial compared to many more years with their beloved laptop. Had John simply visited one of Computer Repair Doctor’s several convenient locations, his hibernation period would not have become permanent.

Services for John’s passing are being held at the city’s main Recycling Center downtown. Per standard medical protocol, John’s hard drive was wiped so grave robbers would not be able to break into his remains and steal his valuable data. John’s family asks that in lieu of flowers, mourners donate a few processor cycles to a local bitcoin farm (where John used to spend his spare resources).

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